Storms Eventually Pass

Storm around Lansing, MI 8/12/16

Well, I survived. My heart is somewhat heavy and I have some healing to do*. There were many “storm fronts” colliding as my family and I gathered for our reunion on Cape Cod. 

Any time my (four) parents, my sister, and I gather it is a time when I need to use angelic armor**. Anything can happen and words cut just as deep as knives. And yes, there were words spoken and rude behavior that cut deeply. This is what I intend to heal. 

Just thinking about gathering together is enough to make my skin crawl and anxiety shoot through the roof. As I thought about this specific gathering, my coping mechanisms from the past took the driver’s seat and I prayed I would make it out alive. The only difference for this gathering was a prolonged visit with these folks and all the dynamics. 

Photo Credit: Pixabay

What I needed to remember in the eye of the storm:

“It is very difficult to develop a proper sense of self-esteem in a dysfunctional family. Having very little self-worth, looking at one’s own character defects becomes so overwhelming there is no room for inward focus. People so afflicted think: “I need to keep you from knowing me. I have already rejected me, but if you knew how flawed I am, you would also reject me…and since this is all I have, I could not stand any more rejection. I am not worthy of someone understanding me so you will not get the chance...so I must judge, reject, attack, and/or find fault with you. I don’t accept me so how can I accept you?” 
David W. Earle

People project their crap on to you and if you're not paying attention it can be quite messy. 

On the carousel with my niece (the little cat).

It was difficult a lot of the time, but there were many shining moments during the reunion—like spending time with my niece who I rarely get to see.  

She is an innocent bystander in this family. Maybe some day she will hear of childhood stories, but for now she gets to live in the moment free from wars fought in the past. She is the next generation for whom I broke chains and dispelled demons. The fight may not have been for my own child, but she is part of the legacy nonetheless.

A little taste of the things I did at the reunion.

As I mentioned above, there were many fronts colliding to make up this storm. One of these "fronts" is the fact that my dad is dying. Well, ok, we all are dying--that is part of being born. But you know what I mean...I'm not sure how much longer he has on the planet. Each visit I have with him may be my last. There are about a thousand emotions tied up in this. There are all the feelings associated with, "Why didn't I..." This is an endless chase. I implore you not to engage if you find yourself in similar circumstances. As I said--a thousand emotions. The core of all this is love: both the healthy (which I currently seek to embody) and the dysfunctional (the version of years past).

At the Heritage Museum and Gardens in Sandwich, MA

Dad on Carousel. Glad niece got to experience his silliness.

"Every child grows up thinking their father is a hero or villain
​until they are old enough to realize that he is just a man."
​~Mark Maish

"To describe my mother would be to write about
​a hurricane in its perfect power.
Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow." 
​~Maya Angelou

My mom has been a rock for me in my life--an anchor in the storm.

Plymouth Rock is known as the rock of a nation.

My mom and I have not had the Norman Rockwell idealized relationship of mother/daughter (specifically in the teen years). In fact, it's been quite rough...but that was a while ago. Now I lean on my mom all the time. She's used to it. I wouldn't say she likes it, per se, but she participates fully in my life--and perhaps that is what she likes. I lean on her because she "gets it." She gets me (most of the time). If only my fourteen year old self could've seen this paradigm in our relationship--maybe she wouldn't have been so hard on my mom. Maybe it's because of my fourteen year old self's behavior that my mom appreciates where I am now and what our current relationship looks like. 
Yes, in case you're wondering it did take therapy for us to get here. I am incredibly indebted to the time and effort my mom and step dad made in making all those appointments. We are reaping the benefits and I really enjoy the time we get to spend together.
​These were also shining moments during the reunion. 

*So what is this healing I will do now that I am home? I will most likely use the healing modality The Emotion Code to release the negative emotions and programs that are ready to be released. I also use the Emotional Freedom Technique to release negative emotions and programs. I will be addressing the soul contract with my sibling. I will be addressing the sadness surrounding any and all relationships. Above all, I will be asking what my soul is ready to release.

Healing these programs is the rainbow after the storm. It is what gets me back on course.
​
**"Angelic Armor" is what I call imagining the energetic protection I put around myself. 

What are the storms in your life? Do you need help healing from these storms?