Category: Grieving

No One Wants to Feel Out of Control

9/5/2016

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind.
If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.
~Buddha

Photo: Pixabay

No one wants to feel out of control. It’s true.

This was a necessary piece to write, but it was difficult for me to sit down and get started. There was some stuff that got triggered or “unearthed” for me this summer during various events and it's been difficult to put into words what I've been feeling and experiencing. I think I was able to get a good start while writing this. Of course there are more layers and I will address them as they come to surface.

For the past several years I openly admitted to being a control freak (it’s not that I wasn’t prior to this, but I’ve been more honest about it lately). Yes, it’s true. For those who know me this probably isn’t shocking. I like structure (and then freedom within that structure to be free and spontaneous), I like order, and I like things a certain way. And yet, I am in a vocation where nothing is certain—at least on an inter-personal level. When I was in a parish, I knew where the Bible and candles were—and that was about it! I also am actively involved in my denomination’s youth program and there is plenty of uncertainty in that realm. My friends and fellow youth workers and I would joke about which activity we wanted to “control”—we’re all on the spectrum of wanting control. The good thing with these people was the ability to laugh at ourselves and also keep each other in check in case we got a little overboard.

Photo: Pixabay

And then we get to the summer of 2016. The political climate is more than anyone can bear at the moment. Vitriol is spewing and people's defenses are up--no one wants to let their guard down in case that leaves an opening for the opponent. It's ugly. This energy is dividing friends, families and co-workers. It’s permeating throughout the entire culture and we are all feeling on edge.

The violence we are witnessing is perhaps one outlet for this energy and the world feels incredibly unsafe now more than ever--despite evidence to the contrary. We are living in tension.

The earth is more fragile as we are past the point of no return in a lot ways regarding the environment. We need to make a global shift for the sake of the planet. In the mean time, we are witnessing a wide variety of healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with all this tension and feeling out of control in so many areas.

As many know, the Chinese expression for "crisis" consists of two characters side by side. The first is the symbol for "danger," the second the symbol for "opportunity.
~Al Gore: An Inconvenient Truth

If anyone tells you, “Oh yeah—I’m totally a control freak!” they are admitting that they had no control/were out of control for a part of their lives. Granted, as children we are quite limited in the control we have over our circumstances. However, for many children there are times where they have the freedom to be themselves*. I had those moments during childhood until I didn’t. There were a couple of personalities as I was growing that interrupted that for me. It was incredibly traumatic and it wasn’t until I was around those personalities for an extended time this summer than I recognized a certain level of trauma I need to heal for myself—and yes, I will do the healing. During those times in childhood I wasn’t cognizant of what exactly was being taken from me. I just knew I needed to find a safe place until the storm moved on. Summer “vacations” were the worst during my school years as I had to wait an agonizing amount of time until I could get back home. The only breaks I had were during church camps and such.

This summer I thought I would be okay—and I was wrong. I still have healing to do. The good news is that I have a safe place to call home and friends who help me when I’m limping a bit. And yes, I have a therapist who is helping me process and compost.

* And yes, perhaps I am writing from a privileged perspective and I recognize that.

Photo: Pixabay

As I’ve been reflecting on summer events (both global and personal) and what has been triggering for me, I realize that I experienced trauma throughout my childhood…not just during the summers after my parents’ divorce. There were other bullies in my life and I see how this has affected my ability to learn. Yes, I have a reading comprehension deficit (funny because I like to write) that started in Kindergarten. I found this article that explains the impact of trauma and learning. I would constantly beat myself up for not being able to keep up with the rest of my class—I gave up on keeping with my sibling a long time ago. This understanding is actually liberating. I’m not an idiot as I thought for years. I must have had pain stacked up for years that got in the way—I realize this now and as I heal I have the freedom to think. This may sound like a statement of the obvious, but it is affecting me in profound ways. I’m ready to heal and ready to learn.

My “go-tos” for healing situations like this are Emotional Freedom Technique as it clears layers at a time and there are phrases that trap emotions in us, too. I also use the Emotion Code as there are trapped emotions ready to be released and this modality will help point me to what is ready to go.

What layers are you ready to shed? Are you stuck and need help getting started? Message me for an appointment to help you get started in the healing process and resolving the past.

Photo: Pixabay

0 Comments

Storms Eventually Pass

8/13/2016

0 Comments

Storm around Lansing, MI 8/12/16

Well, I survived. My heart is somewhat heavy and I have some healing to do*. There were many “storm fronts” colliding as my family and I gathered for our reunion on Cape Cod.

Any time my (four) parents, my sister, and I gather it is a time when I need to use angelic armor**. Anything can happen and words cut just as deep as knives. And yes, there were words spoken and rude behavior that cut deeply. This is what I intend to heal.

Just thinking about gathering together is enough to make my skin crawl and anxiety shoot through the roof. As I thought about this specific gathering, my coping mechanisms from the past took the driver’s seat and I prayed I would make it out alive. The only difference for this gathering was a prolonged visit with these folks and all the dynamics.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

What I needed to remember in the eye of the storm:

“It is very difficult to develop a proper sense of self-esteem in a dysfunctional family. Having very little self-worth, looking at one’s own character defects becomes so overwhelming there is no room for inward focus. People so afflicted think: “I need to keep you from knowing me. I have already rejected me, but if you knew how flawed I am, you would also reject me…and since this is all I have, I could not stand any more rejection. I am not worthy of someone understanding me so you will not get the chance...so I must judge, reject, attack, and/or find fault with you. I don’t accept me so how can I accept you?”
David W. Earle

People project their crap on to you and if you're not paying attention it can be quite messy.

On the carousel with my niece (the little cat).

It was difficult a lot of the time, but there were many shining moments during the reunion—like spending time with my niece who I rarely get to see.

She is an innocent bystander in this family. Maybe some day she will hear of childhood stories, but for now she gets to live in the moment free from wars fought in the past. She is the next generation for whom I broke chains and dispelled demons. The fight may not have been for my own child, but she is part of the legacy nonetheless.

A little taste of the things I did at the reunion.

As I mentioned above, there were many fronts colliding to make up this storm. One of these "fronts" is the fact that my dad is dying. Well, ok, we all are dying--that is part of being born. But you know what I mean...I'm not sure how much longer he has on the planet. Each visit I have with him may be my last. There are about a thousand emotions tied up in this. There are all the feelings associated with, "Why didn't I..." This is an endless chase. I implore you not to engage if you find yourself in similar circumstances. As I said--a thousand emotions. The core of all this is love: both the healthy (which I currently seek to embody) and the dysfunctional (the version of years past).

At the Heritage Museum and Gardens in Sandwich, MA

Dad on Carousel. Glad niece got to experience his silliness.

"Every child grows up thinking their father is a hero or villain
until they are old enough to realize that he is just a man."
~Mark Maish

"To describe my mother would be to write about
a hurricane in its perfect power.
Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow."
~Maya Angelou

My mom has been a rock for me in my life--an anchor in the storm.

Plymouth Rock is known as the rock of a nation.

My mom and I have not had the Norman Rockwell idealized relationship of mother/daughter (specifically in the teen years). In fact, it's been quite rough...but that was a while ago. Now I lean on my mom all the time. She's used to it. I wouldn't say she likes it, per se, but she participates fully in my life--and perhaps that is what she likes. I lean on her because she "gets it." She gets me (most of the time). If only my fourteen year old self could've seen this paradigm in our relationship--maybe she wouldn't have been so hard on my mom. Maybe it's because of my fourteen year old self's behavior that my mom appreciates where I am now and what our current relationship looks like.
Yes, in case you're wondering it did take therapy for us to get here. I am incredibly indebted to the time and effort my mom and step dad made in making all those appointments. We are reaping the benefits and I really enjoy the time we get to spend together.
These were also shining moments during the reunion.

*So what is this healing I will do now that I am home? I will most likely use the healing modality The Emotion Code to release the negative emotions and programs that are ready to be released. I also use the Emotional Freedom Technique to release negative emotions and programs. I will be addressing the soul contract with my sibling. I will be addressing the sadness surrounding any and all relationships. Above all, I will be asking what my soul is ready to release.

Healing these programs is the rainbow after the storm. It is what gets me back on course.

**"Angelic Armor" is what I call imagining the energetic protection I put around myself.

What are the storms in your life? Do you need help healing from these storms?

0 Comments

Still Grieving...Leave a Message

6/19/2016

0 Comments

Photo: Pinterest

Photo: Pixabay

Photo: PIxabay

Photo: Pixabay

RESOURCE LIST AT
BOTTOM OF PAGE!
click here

It’s been a week since the Orlando massacre… and what a week. What has emerged? Grief, guns, religion, politicos—oh my! I guess, the usual…but perhaps felt on a deeper level. Why? For the queer community the grief runs deep as it was not only a larger number of our community shot, killed, and injured—but it was in our safe space. Our haven—the gay/queer nightclub—is no longer safe and that has shaken us to our cores. There have been many responses to this particular aspect of the event, one of which being more police patrols at Pride events and our queer club scene. On the outside this is supposed to be comforting and I don’t doubt that there are many well-intentioned police officers who are taking this task with utmost care and concern. However, for our community it poses more threats than safety. See, our community has not had a good relationship with law enforcement historically. You can read about it here and here. And so there are members of our community who will stay home—isolated because of fear from the increased security response. This isolation is but one element that causes much harm in our community. It is what contributes to mental illness, suicide, and other health concerns. It is not time for us to be isolated…and Pride events along with our club scene are two of many ways for us to be in community and check in with one another. You see, many can’t go to church. Many of us are still closeted at work. School is out and the youth who are fortunate enough to be part of a gay-straight alliance are without support--for those who are lucky to have this.

Many youth are in unsupportive homes with bullies down the hallway as well as in the neighborhood and so they are on the street or friends' couches. The youth…The youth…The youth. How are we caring for them when they can’t enter the club scene or attend Pride events for a wide variety of reasons? You see, what the shooter took away was life—on many levels. And we are feeling it. It will take time to process this. So no, many of us aren’t ok—far from it—but who has the words for all of this?

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say
to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ~Fred Rogers

Fred Rogers Public Domain

There are helpers. In many ways, I am one—but man alive it’s hard for me to get there. Who have been the helpers? Yes, there are many heroes who were present during and right after the event. The care-givers in the hospital are at the top of the list for me along with the first responders, too. Friends have been my lampposts this week and have helped me. I’m doing my best to connect with others and make resources available.

Tulane Public Relations

Click here to take you to Anderson Cooper's tribute of the victims from the Orlando shooting at Pulse Nightclub.

Anderson Cooper is a helper in that he helped our country learn who these victims were. Everyone was honored and you find out that they lived and had personality--just like you and me. Anderson Cooper humanized a situation that many people want to sweep under the carpet. The downside is that people were outed during this tragedy.

Photo: Pixabay w/edits

And then there’s been isolation for me, too; and at the same time having to be and educator while in the pit of grief. I, like many in the queer community, am tired of having to explain to straight people, “What’s taking so long.” Or, “Did you know someone in Orlando?” Ugh, the exhaustion. Yes, I do know people there personally—and I, like so many, did receive alerts via Facebook safety feature—which was unsettling because it brought it home on a new level. Regardless, it’s called #MissingThePoint for crying out loud! (And I am crying out loud) We didn't have to know anyone there personally for us to have such deep grief. You can read last week's blog to see why each and everyone of us in the queer/trans community identifies with this tragic event. Straight people are back to work wondering why the queer community is such a mess—again. Maybe, just maybe if we had non-discrimination acts in place, the ability to go the the (expletive) bathroom in peace, or not have to fear the local bully--we would be more resilient. So I am asking for your patience on behalf of an entire community in mourning. Maybe just listen. Maybe read other articles, but don't be silent. Don't let it happen again.

And who's talking about queer people of color?

Photo: NOH8 via Everyday Feminism

Is anyone having this conversation?
I am doing my best to shed light and not erase the facts of the tragedy; however, as a cis, white person I am inevitably going screw it up...but not if I can help it.
This was an hate crime committed during Latinx Night at a gay/queer club. A haven. This tragedy hit a marginalized community within a marginalized community. When resources are spread thin…who is left behind? For people of color--specifically the trans population--and undocumented queer folks—this kind of attack hits to the core and resources are difficult to come by.

We need you, allies--now more than ever.

We need care and our care providers within the community (myself included) are worn out. We need our allies. Please be there for us. Let me repeat that: BE there for us. We need not only safe space but space without having to explain ourselves—that may not sound that difficult but it can go a long way. It can be live-giving and that is what matters.

Photo: Pixabay

I want you to know that you are loved.
FIERCELY! By me and the God I know.
If you take nothing from this post other than that...I've done okay.
Wherever you are and whenever you read this--soak this in.

Here are some resources if you need them:

Queer People of Color Coalition: click here

Trans Lifeline: click here or call:
US: (877) 565-8860 Canada: (877) 330-6366

GLBT National Help Center: click here or call: (888) 843-4564

The Trevor Project: click here or call: (866) 488-386

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
click here or call: (800) 273-8255
Text "GO" to 741-741 24/7

SEND A MESSAGE TO ME ON THIS SITE:

MESSAGE JENN

0 Comments

No One Wants to Feel Out of Control

Storms Eventually Pass

What I needed to remember in the eye of the storm:

"Every child grows up thinking their father is a hero or villain
until they are old enough to realize that he is just a man."
~Mark Maish

"To describe my mother would be to write about
a hurricane in its perfect power.
Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow."
~Maya Angelou

Still Grieving...Leave a Message

Jenn says:

Archives

Categories

No One Wants to Feel Out of Control

Storms Eventually Pass

What I needed to remember in the eye of the storm:

"Every child grows up thinking their father is a hero or villain​until they are old enough to realize that he is just a man."​~Mark Maish

"To describe my mother would be to write about​a hurricane in its perfect power.Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow." ​~Maya Angelou

Still Grieving...Leave a Message

Jenn says:

Archives

Categories

"Every child grows up thinking their father is a hero or villain
until they are old enough to realize that he is just a man."
~Mark Maish

"To describe my mother would be to write about
a hurricane in its perfect power.
Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow."
~Maya Angelou