You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
I’m still that scared little girl. The one who hid behind her mom’s legs. The one who had one best friend in Kindergarten. The one who made sure her closet door was closed each night and that my limbs didn’t fall over the edge of the bed. That one. The one who feared the future and just wanted to play with her stuffed animals (I had names for every one of them).
That little girl trips me up. I wish I could go back in time and tell her that it really was going to be okay. I wish I could tell her that she would gain the strength to fight her monsters—and win.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
What is it this time? How is she showing up? Today it’s having the courage to burn down closet doors that keep me from being 100% honest with all the people I encounter. If my “spiritual closet” opens and closes once again I really will need a revolving door on it. So I want to burn it down. I don’t want to hide any longer. But that little girl—she’s peeking out from behind the door and telling me to come back inside where it’s safe. But it isn’t safe. I’m losing energy hiding.
People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.
What do I have to lose? Everything!! At least that’s the risk assessment going on in my mind. Professional relationships that are genuine are not that easy to come by; and I don’t want to lose what has taken precious time and energy to build. However, I’m still losing out. I’m not able to be authentic in all my relationships and so I’m still hiding in that closet or under the bed wishing people would lighten up. Though I haven’t heard an unkind word yet—but my mind—it stores up all of the what ifs and what could bes.
We're taught to be ashamed of confusion, anger, fear and sadness, and to me they're of equal value to happiness, excitement and inspiration.
The truth is that I’m never going to be “Christian enough” for some people once they find out I’m a minister. Being Christian in the metaphysical world is too religious and not spiritual enough. I’m never going to be scholarly enough for some colleagues—I’m a feeler and a healer and that’s who I am. And I identify as queer—so that’s fine for some and not for others. And what about my abilities to see and perceive what is beyond this physical realm?!—well that’s just weird for everyone so I should just stay quiet about that. But I can’t. But that little girl inside is begging me to be quiet.
Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
I just am. I’m healing. I’m working on emptying my baggage on a regular basis. I’m lighter than I used to be. My calling is to encourage others to do the same. That is what it’s like on the other side of the closet—it’s lighter. I’m telling that little girl at the same time I’m telling you—it’s okay out here. Come out.
This is my story. I write to unearth hidden stories and also to show others the way toward healing.